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Empty room

Empty room

empty-room1There’s an empty room with your name on it.

The door is ajar, moving slightly…  just a trick of the eye, perhaps. Soft pale light frames the opening, pulsating gently in an irregular pattern. The handle is still warm, but cooling fast. I think it will be ice cold by morning.

The empty room beckons me, but I dare not enter. It is your room – it says so right there, on the door. Scrawled hastily with a nail file, one word – your name – and a dire warning. Lasciate ogni speranza…

I steal a glimpse through the slight opening. A wall: whitewashed, neutral, reflecting light in tune with the broken bulb. Upon it, a spider built its nest, and now it’s waiting. Waiting in vain, for there is only I who’s left alive, and I’m not coming in. The spider is staring at me.

Half a vase crawls into view, within it a dozen dried roses. They used to be red. I can see their leaves, almost crumbling, frozen scream around the last evaporating drop. They’re brown now, the colour of old blood. The colour of nails endlessly scratching a brick wall.

I used to know this room. In my mind I can almost see it. The vision is hazy and incomplete though, like the glimmer of distant mirages glimpsed through the midday sun. I open my eyes. The spider mocks me silently. I think it’s already dead – chitinous carapace stuck in its own dusty web, moving gently with the current. Death is ironic nowadays.

There’s an empty room, sanctified in your name.

Who are you?

I cannot remember.

Borders

Borders

borders We live in a world of borders. Of boundaries, within and without. There’s check-ins, check-outs, passports, barbed wire, controls, guards, rivers, unseen lines in the sand. We all want to go somewhere. And we all pass through borders to get there.

We carry our borders within us. What we know, what we lived so far, the world we see and feel and touch, our friends, our families, our experiences – that is our territory. Sometimes we go out, conquer something new. "I didn’t know I could do that…" "I just found out that…" These are words, formulas, they’re spells that we invoke when we extend our borders.

But sometimes there’s no need to walk through there. We look, we see, and what we cannot see, we can imagine. All the world’s stories are means of introspection, for a good story has within it the magic to transport us within. We walk in the heroes’ shoes, we see through their eyes and feel with their hearts. We shudder at their cruelty, we cry their tears and laugh their joy. We live their lives, if only for a time. And thus we learn. "Would I have done that?" "What would I have done?" This magic helps us scry beyond our borders.

The way we are dictates the way we walk, the way we conquer. Some of us wonder far and wide, amassing lands, never stopping in wonder of what lies beyond the wall. Then there are others that erect huge towers, from which they can see far and wide. They never walk, for they don’t believe it necessary. They can see just fine from up there. These are the most extreme, of course – most of us will do both during a lifetime. Sometimes our friends do walk ahead us, and we follow. Other times not, because we see the pit they fell in, or the lions they encountered. And so we live. And learn.

And then there are the times when life throws us off balance. We’re wondering content within our borders when a tornado drops us into Oz. Everything’s new, everything’s different, and all we ever knew is now long one. In times like these one learns about oneself. To one’s  glory, or perhaps to one’s dismay – for even the cruellest of the tyrants are heroes of their own story, and no one likes to see a villain in the mirror.

Indeed, most of us walk through life without ever having to ask ourselves the hard questions. Look in the eyes of the next stranger you meet – can you see his potential? Can you see yours? Did Hitler imagine the horrors he’ll cause when he was just a corporal in the Austrian army? If a tornado would tear you from your cosy little world and drag you into an Inquisition court, would you side with the cardinal? Or with the witch?

We can only imagine.

Kindness

Kindness

kindness What’s it like, being kind?

Is helping someone without an apparent benefit to your person enough to justify itself as an act of kindness? I don’t know. Some people genuinely like to help. Others do it as atonement for past or present sins. Or to impress someone, be it a potential future mate or a potential future employer. For the ones at the receiving end I guess it doesn’t matter much, as long as they get help. For them the kindness is the act.

But what does make a person kind? There’s got to be selflessness involved, that I know.  Kind people don’t help for their own benefit; they do it because they can’t afford not to. If they abstain from helping they deny their own nature, so helping others is probably as natural to them as breathing. It’s something you are, not something you do.

But being kind does not necessarily mean walking about with huge bewildered eyes, looking for kittens in distress. Kindness does not equal empathy or compassion. On the contrary, I’m guessing even a slap in the face may be construed as an act of kindness, if it’s done at the right time and with the right attitude in mind.

I have a small scenario in mind. Imagine that you have a friend who is in terrible pain. He is clearly out of his wits with suffering, literally writhing on the floor teary-eyed, begging you to just make it stop, please, make it go away. You’re standing there, looking at him, and seeing him in this state breaks your heart. He looks at you, and you realise that you hold in your hand a solution to his problem, and with a simple gesture you can make his pain go away. Yet you’re witholding it from him – you shake your head, and you watch him suffer. Is that an act of kindness?

And what if I told you that your hand holds a dose of heroin?

“You can’t always get what you want… but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.”

– Mick Jagger