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Superheroes

Written by Laur
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Superheroes

superheroesContrary to what Marvel or DC might want you to think, there is no such thing as superpowers. A statement which, if you’re not under 12 or have a double-digit IQ, won’t strike you as odd, or even the least bit surprising. Indeed, if evolution taught us anything, it’s that natural occurring superpowers are nigh-impossible. James Randi made it his life work to prove that mystical superpowers are by and large a hoax. And while technology-based superpowers (the other kind) may occur, the large-scale adoption of said technology will soon throw it back into the realm of the mundane.

In a way though we all have superpowers. We project our voices around the globe! We can read and write across vast distances! We can travel faster than a speeding bullet!1 And yes, we can even fly.

But that’s not what a superhero makes. As Stan Lee probably guessed decades ago, what we like the most about superheroes is that they are unique – in their respective universes, of course. They have something to set them aside from regular humans. The power to fly without using an airplane. Or a hot air balloon. Or a lawn chair. The power to read minds. The power to wear underwear over pants without anyone laughing out loud. The power to shuffle the cards with the aces on top. It’s something they excel at, something nobody else has, something that makes their life choices easy.

Oh boy. You’re in high school, your conscious mind barely awoken, and you hear this one word over and over again. Potential. You have it, or you don’t. Or you have more than one. You could be a doctor. Or a programmer. Or a lawnmower man. Or you could be so damn good at flipping burgers, you’d go and open your own franchise. Everybody’s talking about what you could or couldn’t do. And the hard part, the real bitch is this: you need to choose. And keep on choosing, until one of those potentials is realised, and the others are so many steps in the sand.

That’s when you start seeing the lucky ones. The guys and gals who know already what they want to be when they grow up. They decided, they have certainties, and they move ahead. And your mind reels with the possibility: what if you could get something like that too? What if you would know what you’re good at, and pursue it, and become the greatest anyone had ever known – in that field. In that job. In that way of life.

Which is where superheroes come in. Talk about easy choices. Along comes the first girl (or boy) and then you dream up she’s kidnapped by the worst villain you can possibly imagine, and then you fight him, and you win. You prove your courage, and then you act upon it and you ask her out. She accepts gratefully. And so it goes.

There’s nothing wrong in wanting to be good – to do good deeds, to save the planet, to get the girl, that sort of thing. That’s a goal that you can relate to – at least in your tender years. And that explain the success of all those comics-based movies, brought on the silver screen by the power of CGI and the Hollywood top brass’ quest for a guaranteed profit. It reminds us of adolescence, when things were clear-cut and life was simple. We could see the line between good and bad. And we were always on the side of good.

But as time rolled on and life got harder, the lack of that one unique feature became the focus of our blame. If only I could fly. If only I could teleport. If only… my life would be different. It’s orders of magnitude harder to be a superhero with no superpowers. When there’s no easy path cut out in front of you, and the choices you have are gray at best. And you have to choose the best of all possible options, day in and day out.

That is, if you don’t want to wake up one day, look in the mirror and see him. The villain you were fighting all along.

  1. Provided that it’s a subsonic bullet, or you’re flying military jets for a living. [↩]
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Global warming: a solution

Written by Laur
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Global warming: a solution

Take-offGlobal warming is the calamity du jour. We’ve had the Y2K scare, the ozone layer disaster, the planet alignment doom and the meteorite crash panic. It has it all: fanatic followers, a global campaign (led by an ex-future president of USA, no less), rabid nay-sayers, corporate interests, government involvement, hare-brained schemes… The works. According to one side, this flavour of human civilization has about a century left, give or take. The other side maintains that in terms of environmental impact, volcanoes beat us hands-down. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? The debate rages on.

The generated noise was enough, however, to attract regulatory notice. Carbon offsetting, biofuels, alternative energy sources, eco light bulbs – no matter where you read this, your government has probably sponsored or imposed at least one of them, and if it didn’t, the rest of the world is probably busy denouncing it right now as a retrograde, selfish and pig-headed rule, unfit for the brave new world of the XXIst century. They’re probably looking into banning methane-producing monsters (also known as cows) as we speak.

But there’s one place where they’re not going to look – although they should, it’s one of the most inefficient and resource-hungry industry on the planet. No, it’s not unfiltered coal plants. It’s not cows either, evil as they may be. It’s us. Or, to be more specific, it’s us tourists.

Tourism has got to be the number one global warmth generator nowadays. And it starts with the kerosene burnt to take surfers from Finland to Australia or ski enthusiasts from Japan to Switzerland – or, closer to home, the petrol wasted inching along on roads chock-full of caravans. Sure, there are people now paying a so-called voluntary “carbon offset tax”. That’s pretty much as efficient as giving an aspirin to a 3rd degree burn victim. Just makes one feel unjustifiably good about oneself.

Then there’s the resources consumed once the tourist gets there. The food they eat, some of which is more often than not also flown in. The air conditioning in the hotel room. The useless junk that only exists because they need to buy souvenirs. We should also take into account the building and maintenance costs of the hotels, which must be just about the most inefficient form of sheltering known to man – given that most of them are only open “on-season”, 4-6 months a year.

A special place in global-warmer hell should be reserved for low-cost airlines. These glorified buses make it easier than ever for a bloke of average means to set foot on strange, miraculous lands and have a BigMac and a beer thereabouts. Their planes should be cordoned off by flower-wearing hippies, and GreenPeace activists should chain themselves to the landing gears. But no. Hippies are off visiting San Francisco, the hippy capital of the world, and GreenPeace activists are too busy chasing Japan’s whale-hunting fleet in the Antarctic Ocean, which is ok, you know, because their boats are sail-powered and completely environment neutral.

So seriously, stop tourism. It’s an environmental disaster. Get people to have their holidays in their backyard, or at least within cycling distance of their homes. I’m sure it’s going to be a popular idea with the green crowd. Want to see new places, experience new things and cultures? You can see them all on Discovery Travel. Exotic dishes? I’m sure a deli close by will be able to accommodate your wishes.

Holidays at home. Coming to a tourism agency near you.

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Teach your children to lie

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Teach your children to lie

lieNo, no, no – you say. Lie? We should teach them to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help them, cross their heart and all that. They have to be honest to a fault, you know, straightforward and trustworthy. That is, just like their parents.

Sounds familiar? Almost every one of you reading these words has heard the sermon about lies and liars and (if you were lucky enough) the eternal rewards set aside for the good honest children. Your parents tried in their own way to teach you that lying is bad for you. And in 99.999% of cases, they failed utterly.

If truthfulness is such a praised and desired quality in today’s society, why aren’t the liars the exception, rather than the rule? If everyone was better off telling all of the truth, all of the time, why aren’t we living in a world where lies and deceit are things that belong to an ancient, unenlightened past? I’ll tell you why. Because that in itself is the biggest lie of all.

Indeed, unless you’ve spent your tender years in a vegetative state – in which case, you have my sympathy – you first leaned how to lie from your own parents. They lied to you, willingly or not, and when you lied to them, they rewarded you, thus reinforcing the behaviour. And when you got caught with a lie, they punished you for it, thus forcing you to learn to lie better next time. And so you lied, and so it went, and if anything, you should be thankful to them for teaching you. After all, your own ability to function in society is solidly based upon your ability to lie.

There are indeed degrees to a lie, and you went through them all. First there was the blatant, stupid lie, when you painted the walls with your mother’s cosmetics and then denied vigorously – while wiping rouge off your hands. Your parents’ feedback made you give that up pretty early in your lying career, and you should be grateful for that.

Then you learned about the difference between telling the truth and being polite, like that time when Aunt Irma brought you that horrid pink sweater for your birthday, and not only you had to thank her, you had to wear the damn thing until she was gone. Or when you had to spend a whole day in your room for telling your daddy’s boss that he’s ugly and he smells – because he did, and it was the truth, and why weren’t you supposed to tell it all of a sudden?

In time you also learned that you can protect your parents from certain aspects of your young life that they strongly disapprove. Like hanging out with friends they don’t like – “Where were you?” “Oh, out playing, ma'” “Not at Johnny’s?” “No, I was with Paulie and Amber with the bikes around the park”. It’s just a little white lie, and they’re now happier for it. Or, if your parents were really strict about lying, you would just “forget” to mention some parts of your day. Lying by omission is not technically a lie – after all, you haven’t said anything untrue. And so it goes.

Of course you’ve seen your parents do it. You’ve seen your mum being all nice and sugary the new neighbour, only to talk trash  her with her girlfriends afterwards. You’ve seen dad handling door-to-door salesmen. You’ve seen them engaged in a million social interactions where they lie and hide and smile about it, because that’s how it’s done.

That’s how we’re able to function as a society. There was a film called “Liar Liar” where a young Jim Carrey was compelled by his son’s birthday wish to tell the truth for one whole day. The results were hilarious – in the movie – but also quite scary, when examined in depth. We tell a hundred lies a day and never even think about them. They are ingrained in our social persona, part of the reason we are able to live among people. Ever tried spending one whole day telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Try it, and tell me how you failed.

So teach your children to lie. If you’re squeamish about the word “lie”, call it something else, but teach them anyway. Teach them how to lie and how to recognize a lie. Teach them about self-serving lies, social lies, political lies, attorney lies and advertiser lies. Teach them how to recognize the intent behind a lie. Teach them how to use lies, fight lies and go beyond lies to find out who they can and cannot trust.

And if you want to teach them to always tell the truth to their parents, you have to make yourself worthy of their trust. Teach them that your love for them is unconditional and not affected by what they say or do. That being your children is reason enough for you to help them and support them to the best of your abilities. Everybody makes mistakes in life – I know you did – and the best you can do is learn and move on. And if you love them enough, and care about them enough, you will teach them above all this one important lesson.

Everybody lies.

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